I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
