oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
