well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
