i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
