you told grandpa to call you daddy
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
