i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
