I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
