The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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