Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize