I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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