two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
