It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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