As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
