I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
