Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
