i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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