i barfeds in our rink
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
