My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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