Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize