Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
