she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
