people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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