I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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