Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
