If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
