Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
