Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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