I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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