Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
