you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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