We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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