If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
