We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
