Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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