i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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