I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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