And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
