I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
