this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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