You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
smell my finger.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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