Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
