I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
