Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
