Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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