it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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