I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
