tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize