I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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