So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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