Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
