cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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