And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
