two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
