I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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