I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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