Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
