I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
