i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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