Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
