if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
